Kevin

Push becomes shove, days become months. I seem to have forgotten the warmth of the sun.

Fri, 09 Jun 2006 09:07:57 GMT

It's strange how fitting guilty-pleasure music is at this hour. I'm listening to Jared Leto's band right now, 30 Seconds to Mars. Pretty fitting for my current situation.

Originally, I had planned to go in depth about these situations, but in retrospect (considering it took about a half hour to get my computer to allow me to use my LJ client), I decided it just isn't really worth it. It boils down to me just needed to get the fuck out of this place. I'm convinced that this place, with my current state of mind and the states of others around me, is literally a threat to my ability to succeed in life. Obviously, I'm ever-so-slightly exaggerating (right?), but I honestly need to escape this life. Not my life, mind you...the one that's been outlined for me throughout the 20+ years I've spent here. I say outlined very loosely, one's decisions have a great impact on the life one leads. The point is, everything in this place has been so molded to what I'm used to, what we're used...what it is used to. Any drastic changes attempted would result in inconsistency, and that never seems to bode well in a place where everyone is pretty much used to everything. Sure, there are instances of grandeur, opportunities for the unheard of, and just plain wacky shit sometimes...perhaps I've just convinced myself that everyone else will view my attempts as drastic because I simply have no ideas; it's easier to worry about the consequences of my actions than it is to birth the ideas of said actions. I just don't know what to do and everything seems so out-of-reach. Furthermore, I have yet to develop any significant aspects of individuality, so I'm completely and utterly afraid of going out into the 'real world.' What a bitch, huh? It's almost comical. Almost, that is, until I'm faced with a situation to which I'm nearly unable to react, which then usually results in getting taken advantage of. I'm so quick to be passive and manipulated, though I almost always feel it in the process. By that, I'm referring to the fact that I observe, all the time. Constantly taking things in and evaluating, making mostly unbiased 'judgements,' which I'll quote because I don't quite consider them judgements....more like fact-based findings, but I suppose you could call them judgements just the same. It's really just a matter of trying to feel things out, trying to feel people out and understand their actions. Thing is, if that's what I'm used to doing with the people I'm close with, and if I'm so focused on understand those I'm close to, where am I when I begin to encounter new people? Yea, it's called 'pretty much fucked.' Heh. And the end result of that is panic, fear and anxiety. Sometimes it works out and I'm able to broaden my horizons, but mostly it results in becoming overly-reserved and introverted, in which case I usually retreat from even those people I'm close to. Couple that with sometimes intense loneliness and track-record of some of the most fucked up relationships I could imagine, and you've got some full-blown depression on your hands. Thing is, it's always a step; whether it be down or up, I'm always taking steps. When it gets to the point of near-rock bottom, I think anyone can agree that things become excessively difficult, especially without adequate support, much less any at all. I'm usually in a position where I feel like I don't have much support. Again, it's entirely likely that I've invented more in my mind than actually exists. Clearly, I have people that support and care for me. Most of the time, though, I'm so fixated on those that have 'abandoned' me or just grown apart that I'm convinced that their support is what I truly need to get through my current state, and thus, also convinced that I suffer from some sort of separation anxiety. I work so hard at understanding others and truly relating to them, possibly more so than other do towards me, that I panic at the thought of them not being here for me as I insist I am there for them. Couple that with the energy I do invest on so many others, much beyond that towards myself, and I become lost. There have been times recently where I've literally kept myself in this bedroom for days with almost no contact to the outside world, save a few generic instant messages lacking any kind of personality, depth or character, even emotion. At that point, I'll even scold myself for laughing out loud. "How pathetic it is that you've made acquaintances with invented personalities, or that the only joy you can achieve is through downloaded television shows and stand-up comedy routines." I could be the only person who can successfully embarrass themself by themself, no outside influences necessary.

Moved on to At the Drive-In at this point and I've just realized it's about 5 am. Nothing settled, nothing resolved, but a better insight to my being than previously offerred. This is actually my second attempt in recent times to sort of 'discover' myself and my way of being, turning those observational skills onto myself. Well, second attempt at recording them, anyway. Might as well document the first, which was about...3 weeks ago, I suppose.

"Even as I am currently writing, I fear this action. I feel like a weak person and I have created a reliance towards 'crutches.' Coincidentally, my pen stopped working; perhaps I should cease writing. I've created dependencies in my mind that I cannot seem to escape. Trying to remove a larger one without the smaller ones remaining consistant is incredibly difficult. Thing is, those individuals regarded in the smaller ones are not quite aware; therefore, my responses to their actions come off as extreme, obscure (in some cases,) but more so, selfish and irresponsible. Though I can say with a degree of certainty that my intentions are pure, the truth is that I am just plain scared. When the only consistancy in life is a four-walled massacre and my only escape is 'Lost,' my emotions don't really feel out of line. It's hard to feel better when I hardly even feel okay. This cannot continue; I have to beat this. I know I'm capable of so much more. Concidentally, I just made two identical line marks on my thumb when completing each of the two sentences prior to this one...I wonder if this means something?"

Food for thought, I suppose? Mere ramblings at the same time. Life is a peach and I'm trapped in the pit. And that makes me think of Beverly Hills, 90210.

::laughs::

I shouldn't have been able to make that reference, or at least allowed people to know I could.

This could be the beginning of more-frequent entries, should I allow myself to be more expressive and become more intent on opening up, which could potentially lead to being more open to others I've not known as long as most of my good friends (dare I say, even new ones?) Who knows?

Either way, until next time..

Mon, 22 May 2006 05:59:44 GMT

For all the time and energy I've invested in the people I care deeply about, I'll never understand how simple it seems to shut me out and shrug me off. Perhaps it's personal separation issues, or maybe I've just convinced myself I should have a larger impact than I truly do. Yet another item to add to my laundry list of self-improvements...but what else is new?

Thu, 06 Apr 2006 08:37:03 GMT

You Have a Phlegmatic Temperament

Mild mannered and laid back, you take life at a slow pace.
You are very consistent - both in emotions and actions.
You tend to absorb set backs easily. You are cool and collected.

It is difficult to offend you. You can remain composed and unemotional.
You are a great friend and lover. You don't demand much of others.
While you are quiet, you have a subtle wit that your friends know well.

At your worst, you are lazy and unwilling to work at anything.
You often get stuck in a rut, without aspirations or dreams.
You can get too dependent on others, setting yourself up for abandonment.

What Temperment Are You?

My only reason for posting in however long it's been..

Mon, 06 Mar 2006 03:57:38 GMT

Philip Seymour Hoffman took the Oscar for Best Actor. There is some justice left in this world. :P

Fri, 10 Jun 2005 21:30:45 GMT

BLUE

You give your love and friendship unconditionaly. You enjoy long, thoughtful conversations rich in philosophy and spirituality. You are very loyal and intuitive.

Find out your color at Quiz Me!

Sun, 22 May 2005 14:22:37 GMT

Wow. The ultimate fucking bummer. Hah. Not only that, but when all I could do was hop in the shower to wash myself from all the aggrivation/negativity/anxiety, im greeted not two seconds after by a large, nasty spider that must've been on my towel or something. Ohhh, the irony..

Tue, 19 Apr 2005 05:33:01 GMT

You scored as Dwight.

</td>

Dwight

40%

Marv

35%

Gail

30%

Becky

25%

Lucielle

20%

Manute

20%

That Yellow Bastard

15%

Miho

15%

Shelley

10%

Hartigan

10%

Jackie Boy

10%

Kevin

10%

Goldie

Nancy

What Sin City Character are You?
created with QuizFarm.com

Sat, 16 Apr 2005 20:39:37 GMT

What Makes You Sexy? by eva71
Name/NickName
Gender
Sexy Body Part Is	Everything
Special Talents Are	Looking Innocent

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Sat, 16 Apr 2005 08:25:39 GMT

I shouldn't be feeling this way...so anxious, so distraught, so desiring, if thats even a word. I do. And it's awful. And I want that..

Fri, 15 Apr 2005 20:12:17 GMT

What I find pretty funny is that on the extremely rare occasions that I look through the casino bookings, a listing for an Engelbert Humperdink show is almost always present. What the eff.....perhaps destiny.

Sun, 27 Mar 2005 06:23:58 GMT

What a fucking load of shit. Can nothing go right anymore? Day after day I'm smothered by all of this stupid bullshit and, of course, today was no exception. Of course, the day after one of my most horrible nights in recent memory, my fucking car has to die. On the drive home, no less, so I got to push my car all over the fucking parking lot..in the freezing cold. I feel so sick, I haven't eaten anything today. Drank like 2 pepsi's, I think, and that's it for nourishment. Not to mention that I'm back to being alone all the time. What's the fucking use anymore? I need to vomit.

Wed, 23 Mar 2005 09:54:23 GMT

And then, some nights, I read and think about these things that make me absolutely sick. Something inside of me is definitely torn. It almost keeps me from breathing. I'm losing.

And, of course, so are you.

Tue, 22 Mar 2005 10:11:43 GMT

I just went off on a pretty long tangent in my head, and I'm going to see if i can re-trace my way through it.

It began with music. I was thinking about how my taste in music is determined. I think it's a certain genuineness I look for, more than likely through certain vibrations. Something that creates a connection that allows me to understand what it is. In my opinion, thats pretty fucking powerful. Unleashing your conciousness through music knowing that it's going to affect others...but I digress. The point is, by listening to music, we're pretty much searching for more conciousness. When we're excited to hear music by our favorite bands, it's basically the same as looking forward to hearing from an old friend. We're exicted for the connection, the relation to another. All we're really ever doing is trying to relate, if you think about it, whether it be through books, movies, games, music, drugs, clothes, hobbies, pain, cars, and so forth. Trying to make connections. And perhaps that's why the people we're connected through blood are called 'relatives.' An established term used to convey universal familial figures. Your aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, etc. You're all connected, and they all have their own connections and as far back as you can go, eventually we must all be connected. Pure being. And conciousness has re-asserted itself once again. Hah.

And it's funny, because a little bit into that, i lost track of my thoughts, actually started retracing my thoughts again, went off on a slightly different tangent and still ended up where I am. I am. goodnight

Mon, 21 Mar 2005 07:13:28 GMT

Whats does your personality rate from 1-10? by morning_prayer
Your first full name
Your personality rates a	7
your best quality is	you have class
your worst quality is	ha nothing! you rule!
this is because	youre true to yourself

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Fri, 18 Mar 2005 06:18:19 GMT

::cough:: Been kind of a long day, I suppose. Was dreading work up until the minute I left, but as it turns out, it was pretty much the only thing that kept me sane throughout the day. Pretty much occupied all of my mind, so there wasn't much to spare on my life as it exists now. ::sigh:: And what a life it's become. I break everything. I sleep among plaster and my heart is now just another hole in my wall. Yesterday, the girl emptied her drawer, took back her heart, and walked out of our 'home.' It's pretty cold now, and this nausea has yet to surrender itself. Been bleeding tears inside because I couldn't help how things are, just as I haven't been able to for the past few months. It's been a long time since I've related to these feelings...those that can't be given up except through time. Time during which I'll be replaying many a moment in my head, noticing various little details that I can endlessly relate to what was...the song playing on the radio on my drive home; mentions of certain movies or places; random things here and there, consequences of who we were. Who we no longer are. And how I'm here and she's there and we're no longer together. How, by the looks of things, that won't change anytime soon. How feeble and fragile and stubborn and foolish and and fucking lonely I am and how I'll most likely remain that way for a loooong time coming. I'm not even sure how my heart is still strong enough to handle all this. Perhaps it isn't..

Tue, 08 Mar 2005 09:13:47 GMT

Which one of my super cool pictures are you?

You are this super cool picture

You are the shiznit...you are probably way cooler than anyone else

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Sat, 26 Feb 2005 21:28:37 GMT

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...	erotic
Your hugs are...	gentle
Your eyes...	light up a day
Your touch is...	heart warming
Your smell is...	beautiful
Your smile is...	entrancing
Your love is...	everlasting

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Thu, 24 Feb 2005 21:26:19 GMT

You scored as The Beast. Your alter ego is The Beast! But that is only a name... you are kind hearted and sweet, people just misunderstand you.

</td>

The Beast

75%

Peter Pan

63%

Goofy

63%

Pinocchio

56%

Sleeping Beauty

50%

Donald Duck

44%

Ariel

44%

Snow White

38%

Cinderella

31%

Cruella De Ville

19%

Which Disney Character is your Alter Ego?
created with QuizFarm.com

Tue, 15 Feb 2005 08:12:51 GMT

February 14, 2005
Pass It On
Random Acts Of Kindness
A simple play on words, a negative turned positive and a movement is sparked. "Today I will commit one random act of senseless kindness." This simple phrase has launched an international movement inspiring people to practice kindness and to "pass it on" to others. It spawned bumper stickers, T-shirts, books, a foundation. There are now even designated Random Acts of Kindness Weeks and World Kindness Days.

While pondering an assignment for his human relations class at Bakersfield College, Chuck Wall overheard the radio news, "We have another random act of senseless violence to report." He took out the "violence" and stuck in "kindness" and gave his class their assignment. Revolutions come from just such flashes of inspiration and Wall's students became kindness revolutionaries.

Kindness is contagious. A smile begets a smile, simple courtesies encourage politeness, and a thoughtful gesture lingers in the heart. It feels good to do good and doing good deeds make others feel good. And so it goes, one good turn deserves another, and kindness becomes a way of life. Kindness is fundamental to life and it is essential in creating healthy, happy human relationships. We all need to be shown kindness and we all need to express it. Acts of kindness connect us to one another. It gives us hope in humanity.

Whether random or well planned out and articulated, acts of kindness have a domino affect in creating a better world. Generosity of spirit is just as important as monetary contributions. Sincere acts of kindness are almost always appreciated, even if there is no acknowledgment. For true kindness is unconditional with no thought of reciprocation.

Kindness lingers. We may forget the words, or even the person, but we seldom forget the act, a door held open, a cookie from a neighbor, a word of encouragement when we are feeling blue. Try it today. Commit one random act of senseless kindness. Mow a neighbor's lawn, let someone cut in line in front of you, hand out balloons for no reason, say something nice to everyone you meet. Chances are those that you touch today will "pass it on" to others. We can change the world, one smile at a time.

Thu, 03 Feb 2005 05:26:13 GMT

I couldn't tell you the last time my heart beat this strongly..

Thu, 16 Dec 2004 07:49:56 GMT

Thu, 16 Dec 2004 07:34:45 GMT

Your Dominant Intelligence is Logical-Mathematical Intelligence

You are great at finding patterns and relationships between things.
Always curious about how things work, you love to set up experiments.
You need for the world to make sense - and are good at making sense of it.
You have a head for numbers and math ... and you can solve almost any logic puzzle.

You would make a great scientist, engineer, computer programmer, researcher, accountant, or mathematician.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Tue, 14 Dec 2004 01:03:53 GMT

Thu, 09 Dec 2004 23:33:42 GMT

Your Silver-Age Superhero Career

LJ Username

Your alias first-name is:

Your alias last-name is:

You can turn....

...into:

You team up with...

phunpunx

...to battle:

Jasmine Bleeth

You petition to join:

Mensa

Their response:

incessant cackling laughter which you eventually take to mean "no"

You are best remembered for:

your 64-point game against the Milwaukee Bucks

Your heroic level: - 10%

This quiz by sigma7 - Taken 14545 Times.
</a>

New - COOL Dating Tips and Romance Advice!

Thu, 09 Dec 2004 19:12:55 GMT

I am officially upgraded to Driving Banos.

Rapture..

::grins::