Originally, I had planned to go in depth about these situations, but in retrospect (considering it took about a half hour to get my computer to allow me to use my LJ client), I decided it just isn't really worth it. It boils down to me just needed to get the fuck out of this place. I'm convinced that this place, with my current state of mind and the states of others around me, is literally a threat to my ability to succeed in life. Obviously, I'm ever-so-slightly exaggerating (right?), but I honestly need to escape this life. Not my life, mind you...the one that's been outlined for me throughout the 20+ years I've spent here. I say outlined very loosely, one's decisions have a great impact on the life one leads. The point is, everything in this place has been so molded to what I'm used to, what we're used...what it is used to. Any drastic changes attempted would result in inconsistency, and that never seems to bode well in a place where everyone is pretty much used to everything. Sure, there are instances of grandeur, opportunities for the unheard of, and just plain wacky shit sometimes...perhaps I've just convinced myself that everyone else will view my attempts as drastic because I simply have no ideas; it's easier to worry about the consequences of my actions than it is to birth the ideas of said actions. I just don't know what to do and everything seems so out-of-reach. Furthermore, I have yet to develop any significant aspects of individuality, so I'm completely and utterly afraid of going out into the 'real world.' What a bitch, huh? It's almost comical. Almost, that is, until I'm faced with a situation to which I'm nearly unable to react, which then usually results in getting taken advantage of. I'm so quick to be passive and manipulated, though I almost always feel it in the process. By that, I'm referring to the fact that I observe, all the time. Constantly taking things in and evaluating, making mostly unbiased 'judgements,' which I'll quote because I don't quite consider them judgements....more like fact-based findings, but I suppose you could call them judgements just the same. It's really just a matter of trying to feel things out, trying to feel people out and understand their actions. Thing is, if that's what I'm used to doing with the people I'm close with, and if I'm so focused on understand those I'm close to, where am I when I begin to encounter new people? Yea, it's called 'pretty much fucked.' Heh. And the end result of that is panic, fear and anxiety. Sometimes it works out and I'm able to broaden my horizons, but mostly it results in becoming overly-reserved and introverted, in which case I usually retreat from even those people I'm close to. Couple that with sometimes intense loneliness and track-record of some of the most fucked up relationships I could imagine, and you've got some full-blown depression on your hands. Thing is, it's always a step; whether it be down or up, I'm always taking steps. When it gets to the point of near-rock bottom, I think anyone can agree that things become excessively difficult, especially without adequate support, much less any at all. I'm usually in a position where I feel like I don't have much support. Again, it's entirely likely that I've invented more in my mind than actually exists. Clearly, I have people that support and care for me. Most of the time, though, I'm so fixated on those that have 'abandoned' me or just grown apart that I'm convinced that their support is what I truly need to get through my current state, and thus, also convinced that I suffer from some sort of separation anxiety. I work so hard at understanding others and truly relating to them, possibly more so than other do towards me, that I panic at the thought of them not being here for me as I insist I am there for them. Couple that with the energy I do invest on so many others, much beyond that towards myself, and I become lost. There have been times recently where I've literally kept myself in this bedroom for days with almost no contact to the outside world, save a few generic instant messages lacking any kind of personality, depth or character, even emotion. At that point, I'll even scold myself for laughing out loud. "How pathetic it is that you've made acquaintances with invented personalities, or that the only joy you can achieve is through downloaded television shows and stand-up comedy routines." I could be the only person who can successfully embarrass themself by themself, no outside influences necessary.
Moved on to At the Drive-In at this point and I've just realized it's about 5 am. Nothing settled, nothing resolved, but a better insight to my being than previously offerred. This is actually my second attempt in recent times to sort of 'discover' myself and my way of being, turning those observational skills onto myself. Well, second attempt at recording them, anyway. Might as well document the first, which was about...3 weeks ago, I suppose.
"Even as I am currently writing, I fear this action. I feel like a weak person and I have created a reliance towards 'crutches.' Coincidentally, my pen stopped working; perhaps I should cease writing. I've created dependencies in my mind that I cannot seem to escape. Trying to remove a larger one without the smaller ones remaining consistant is incredibly difficult. Thing is, those individuals regarded in the smaller ones are not quite aware; therefore, my responses to their actions come off as extreme, obscure (in some cases,) but more so, selfish and irresponsible. Though I can say with a degree of certainty that my intentions are pure, the truth is that I am just plain scared. When the only consistancy in life is a four-walled massacre and my only escape is 'Lost,' my emotions don't really feel out of line. It's hard to feel better when I hardly even feel okay. This cannot continue; I have to beat this. I know I'm capable of so much more. Concidentally, I just made two identical line marks on my thumb when completing each of the two sentences prior to this one...I wonder if this means something?"
Food for thought, I suppose? Mere ramblings at the same time. Life is a peach and I'm trapped in the pit. And that makes me think of Beverly Hills, 90210.
I shouldn't have been able to make that reference, or at least allowed people to know I could.
This could be the beginning of more-frequent entries, should I allow myself to be more expressive and become more intent on opening up, which could potentially lead to being more open to others I've not known as long as most of my good friends (dare I say, even new ones?) Who knows?
Either way, until next time..